10 Years Without You
by EmelineCarter92
Summary: We all know the Penny is always struggling to be her best to become an actress. But what does this inspiration come from? We don't know her last name. We must ask ourselves is Penny even her name? Is she hiding something? Leonard gets suspicious when she tries to distance herself from him.
1. The Idenity Crisis Conundrum

When Leonard and Penny were dating at first she would hardly ever let him touch her. They started dating again three years later. He started to notice a pattern.

One night went to put her arm around her she'd take his arm off her or move away.

"Is everything alright between us?" He asked her.

"What do you mean?" "

"Can you please talk to me?" He got no answer. "Penny?"

"It's just that...I've never been this close to anyone. I love you and I don't want to loose you." She put her arms around him.

"Is that what you've been keeping from me? I could tell from the look on your face earlier that you had something on your mind. I was getting worried that I did something wrong."

She patted his hand. She wanted to say that he could never do anything wrong but couldn't bring herself to. She wanted to tell him that she didn't deserve him. She just simply said, "No."

"If you mind me asking, where is this coming from all of a sudden?"

Penny wracked her brain. Asking herself if she should tell him. She never spoke about her father. Some times but not often she would drink if certain things reminded her of him or that one time she was talking to Leonard's mother about her father.

It had been 10 years since her father's passing but she still felt the pain of it, the whole in her heart that it had left. She took a psychology course, not just to get the credits. She was curious to know what she was going through. There was a term for it. Every now and then was going through what was called, 'grief spasms."

She wondered if they'd ever go away. Six years she moved to Pasadena to start a new life, to live out her dream. Becoming an actress. Why not make up a life? Bringing up her real life was too much. She didn't like the thought of bringing up the memory of her father with strangers. She'd tell them that he died. They would ask questions she wouldn't be comfortable with answering. They would feel sorry for her, which she didn't need. Keeping the pain of losing and the memories of her father she preferred to keep to herself.

She wanted to achieve her dream. Like her father had always told her to do. She would never give up. So she moved to Pasadena after dropping out of community college, got a job as a waitress but not before changing her name to "Penny L. Birch." It was her legal name now, her stage name. There was a reason for choosing the name. It had significance.

Her father had loved the Beatles. One of her father's favorite songs was Penny Lane. The longer she lived in Pasadena, the more that other life as Bridget Hennessey was lost to her. She reminded herself to never give up even when it seemed she was down on her luck. Bridget would always think of him, even when she was preforming an emotional scene. She was more connected to her father than ever. She would always be Bridget at the same time she was Penny.

Maybe she was going through an identity crisis. She didn't know what the hell was wrong with her. She was so screwed up. But with Leonard, Sheldon, and the guys, Amy and Bernadette, she found some balance in this world. Leonard and Sheldon were the ones she felt closest too. Sheldon was more like her own brother. Leonard was someone she felt she could trust. He wasn't a stranger to her anymore.

"The only person I've even been close to was my dad." She said. "I know the only thing you can do is stick close as a family and move on."

"Hey, you're not going to loose me." She wanted to tell him, that this wasn't working. She wasn't talking about losing him as in him leaving her. "I'm not going anywhere." He said. "If you need to talk about something like this again, don't hide it, ok? If you need anything, I'm here to listen."

A few tears rolled down her face, she kept her head turned away from him so he couldn't see. When he finished talking the tears stopped. Sitting up straight she began whipping her nose "man my nose itches."

"Where you crying?"

"Uh no. It's just close to hay season. So allergies."

"You mean hay fever season." Leonard corrected her.

This got a laugh out of Bridget. Before Leonard, everything she was living for she was living for her father. Being with Leonard for these past six years made her realized she needed to start living for her. That didn't mean she would forget her father, never stop loving him. Penny wondered if she would ever be able to tell Leonard the truth about her. She had lied to him about her entire life, (some aspects were true, about having two siblings.) If he did really love her and she decided to tell him, he wouldn't leave. But for now to Leonard she'd always be Penny. That was ok. As long as she remembered, she'd always be Bridget Hennessey.


	2. The Potato Chip Reaction

Penny was sitting on the couch, eating a bag of potato chips. A smile came on her face.

"Why do you always do that?" Leonard asked her.

"Do what?"

"Smile every time you eat potato chips?"

"Because every time I eat potato chips I remember when my dad ate them he'd always used to put a chip on his shoulder and say, "Do I have a chip on my shoulder?" It would always make us laugh. He could tell the same joke a thousand times a day and it would never get old." She found that she could bring him up without a problem. She could bring him up in general conversation.

Her friends didn't know that he was dead. The man she introduced to Leonard as her 'dad' was an actor she payed to pretend. What she discussed with Leonard's mother when she first met her was partly true. Her father did used to call her slugger. Her brother Rory had been to young to play sports, and her sister Kerri was too little he was afraid she'd get hurt. Bridget had always been bigger than half the boys in her class growing up. But she was never teased about it, mostly because they were afraid of her, and when she turned 10 she went through puberty. The boys caught up to her in the 9th grade. So it was sort of a win, win. Now in her mid twenties, she still was a little brawny but that was mostly to working out almost every day, going for a morning jog and taking yoga classes. She sort of had this obsession with staying healthy. Healthy life, longer life. What happened to her father still scared her. She was simple taking the precautions, even though her father's death hadn't been linked to his diet or life style. It had been hereditary. She didn't go over the top with her exercises. She had started after working as a lifeguard at the Y.M.C.A when she was a teenager, a junior in High School. Everyone had their own ways of dealing with grief. That was Bridget's. She just had to keep on keeping on. She was ok. It was then she realized she had to do something with her life. She wanted to become an actress. Her first role had been Anne Frank, above the old bowling alley. She vowed from that day that she would achieve her dream and not give up. Her father would be proud.

She took after her father. Her looks for example and to the kind of person she had grown into. Paul Hennessey had been like no one else. Where ever he went he'd light up the whole room. She was told that she did the same thing. She never saw it, until she met Leonard and the guys. If they had met her a decade ago she would have been unrecognizable to them.

Believe it or not she used to be self centered. She has changed since then. If her so called 'friends' from high school saw her now they'd wonder why she hung out with they guys and Amy and Bernadette. The real reason she hung out with the gang was that they were truly nice people and she enjoyed being around them. Her father's death had caused her to grow up and mature. She had a more positive out look on life (because he always had) and grew less and less concerned about her looks and what people thought. She always tried to have a positive attitude.

"You've been talking about your dad a lot lately." Penny rarely talked about her family, he noticed. Even to her friends. When she did bring up her family it was a little vague and discreet.

" I don't know why. I think maybe it's because I miss him." It still feels like it happened yesterday.

"If you miss him, why don't you call him?"

Penny just started at him. She went blank for a second, searching for the words to say, when Sheldon came into the living room from his bedroom.

"Penny, you're in my sea..." Before he could finish, Penny was up and out the door. "Was it something I said?" Sheldon asked Leonard.


	3. The Re-Coupling Encounter

She didn't mean to leave that quickly. She blanked for a minute. She had lied to Leonard. Her whole life with him was a lie.

He knocked on her door. "Go away."

"Penny, it's Leonard."

"I know who it is." After a pause she added, "Go away."

"Is it something I said?"

This promoted Penny to open the door. "I don't deserve you Leonard."

"What makes you say that? It's because you're not smart enough for me? We've been over this. Even though you didn't complete community college and your IQ score is incomparable to mine, you're smart enough for me."

"Goodbye Leonard." She started to close the door.

"No, Penny. Wait. I'm not going to ask the real reason you've been upset lately. I know it's not really about be. But when you're ready to tell me..." He started backing up toward his apartment.

"Did you really mean it when you said you'd listen?"

* * *

Penny and Leonard were sitting in Penny's apartment on the couch, the tv on.

Leonard and Penny talk about their fight earlier that week. They had both been tired from work and were not really mad at each other.

"There were something's I wanted to talk about. I know we've been through a lot lately and I want you to know I didn't mean those things."

"It's ok. I wasn't in the best mood either and I shouldn't have treated you that way. I was just tired."

"I get the same way when I'm tired."

They fell into awkward silence. Penny picked up the remote from the coffee table. "Want to watch tv?"

"Sure." She was hiding something but he did not want to pry. It would probably make things worse again.

"What do you want to you watch?" She asked him.

"It doesn't really matter. You pick."

She pulled up the tv guide. "Forget it. There's nothing on anyway. I'll just keep it here."

Full House came on, it was in the last 5 minutes. "I used to watch shows like this when I was a kid. I can't get into most shows today because it seems they're not done with passion anymore. You can tell when an actor is working for passion, They just put it out there. That's mostly why I loved Full House, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. They all had this care free attitude and it helped me get through the day, taught me how to be a better person. I know they're just tv shows but a celebrity can inspire you as much as friends and family. Mostly it was my dad. I always try to have a positive attitude. Never assume, presume, or despair. When you do, you worry. When you worry you get stressed and when you're stressed it's not healthy and it gets other people around you worried. Always try to have a positive attitude. They'll see you for who you really are. let them know that you love them because you don't know how much time you have left with them."

" Penny I have a few questions I've been meaning to ask you. The other day, what you told me about losing me, why did you compare me to your father?"

Penny paused. Had she? She searched for the words and instantly decided what she wanted to say but she didn't want it to sound weird. She decided nothing could sound weird in front of Leonard. "He was the only person I ever really trusted. He was always there for me." A moment of silence passed. She turned to him. "Leonard, I think I'm ready to start again."

"You mean, ready for us to start again?"

She nodded. Life was too short.

"If you're sure I want to know what you want in a man?"

"Why?"

"So I don't screw it up again."

"Well. What I want is someone who is honest and always there, to help through things."

"And I told you I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you or abandoned you."

Another episode of Full House. Uncle Jesse and the kids were singing. The first few cords of Do Wah Diddy, Diddy started. Penny jumped up off the couch, "Hey, I know this song."

"It's sad I know this song."

She started to dance. Badly. But she didn't seem to care.

Leonard looked at her shocked. It was kind of embarrassing. But they were alone and if it meant she was happy, he was happy. He smiled to himself. He was really seeing Penny.

Jesse and the kids started singing another song.

"There is like only one person in the room."

"That's because they're so bad." Leonard said.

"I still think they're good. At least they put themselves out there and gave it all they got. "

"You're not afraid to speak your mind."

"My father wasn't either. He was never afraid to speak his mind. I guess that's why the way the am." Once again, another pause. "What was the other question?"

"What?"

"You said you had a few questions."

"No. That was it. I must have miscounted."

"Oh, ok." She sounded like she half believed him.


	4. The Sheldon Cooper Effect

**The Sheldon Cooper Effect (AKA: The Initiated Hug Sequence)**

**The guys and Leonard are testing ways to improve their memory. Sheldon being Sheldon, they kick him out. Penny and Sheldon have a chat. She drives him to Siam Palace as it is Monday. They go back to her apartment.**

**Walking up the stairs they get into a conversation of what Sheldon would have been otherwise missing out on with the guys.**

* * *

"I can remember a lot of stuff, random information." Penny was saying to him. "I barely ever needed to study or read a text more than once since I remember it very easily. I can remember quotes, facts, images, and entire dialogs of movies but I have issues remembering trivial stuff, like what I need to buy at the supermarket, or what time I need to go to for an audition, so I keep an agenda with a complicated set of alarms on my phone as well as a paper one, and even then, it fails."

"Memory is a funny thing, Penny, especially if you have a eidetic memory like me. Not a lot of people do. People like you. I always wonder what's going on in your funny little brains. How you manage to survive. I suppose it comes down to remembering the most important thing of all... Pants first... THEN shoes !"

Penny laughed as they went around the corner of the second flight of stairs. What puzzles her is the fact that Sheldon can be empathetic sometimes and is not so much. In instances like these he was normal, he was a human being. Simply her being here and setting him up with Amy was changing him for the better.

When she first met him, Sheldon barely made eye contact. His behavior far less than human. Now when they were alone in moments like this she saw in his eyes a familiar type of hurt.

They come up the third flight of stairs, stopping outside Penny's apartment.

Across the hall, Leonard, having heard the commotion, opens the door, and sees Penny with Sheldon. She goes to hug Sheldon. His body is tense for a second. Then, to Leonard's, as much as Penny's, he relaxes, though it is obvious that he is unsure what to do with his hands (plus he had the bag in one of them) From what Leonard can tell from Sheldon's expression, he doesn't understand why she is hugging him. Awkwardly he puts his hands around her but hesitates, as if he's about to pat her on the back. "Sorry." He tries to reposition his hands. He takes his arms out from around her. "Sorry. Can we just..." He looks around for a place to set the bag and sets it down beside him. He tries to give her a hug. It once again becomes awkward as he is still hesitant."Nope. Sorry." He simply with drew his hands and put them back down by his sides.

"Why do you keep apologizing?"

"I'm sorry, Penny. This is just not going to work. " He says fidgeting a bit. "Things are moving way too fast."

If Penny didn't know any better and didn't interpret his little quirks a sign as him being uncomfortable, she'd think it was an attempt at sarcasm. You never know what it is with Sheldon now a days.

"There's the Sheldon I know." Penny smiles, putting the key into the lock and turning it. Sheldon picks up the take out bag and follows her inside, both of them unaware Leonard had been watching.

Leonard had never seen Penny this happy in the last few days. He decided to let them have some privacy. For now all she needed was a friend.

* * *

**AN: I did explain about Penny's 'father' that we meant in season 4. It's in the second chapter unless you skimmed over it. He was actually an actor Penny hired to pretend to be her dad. I know the concept might seem too far out there but she is going through an identity crisis. She doesn't want to hide her feelings so she expresses them by telling Leonard about her real dad without him knowing the truth. She wants to tell him the truth but is afraid that he would feel sorry for her. She trusts him enough to openly talk about her father, Paul but if she told Leonard she'd been lying about who she really is, she thinks that Leonard will leave her. She wants to remain as Penny as long as she doesn't loose sight of who she really is. She grew up in a household where sharing your feelings was encouraged. She wants to tell Leonard so badly because she does trust him, only her fear of loosing him that's standing in the way. **

** It could also work as an AU story though.**

** I wish in the show they'd do an actual AU story, where Sheldon and Penny are together. The episode would be a satire on the whole Shenny thing. **

** PLOT: Penny hits her head and ends up in an Alternate Universe where she never met Leonard, Sheldon and Raj live across the hall from her and she eventually gets involved with Sheldon (because in this reality Leonard doesn't exists) near the end of the episode she wakes up, only to discover it had all been a dream, to Leonard, she says she 'just had the worst nightmare" Now that would be something.**


	5. The Sheldon Cooper Effect Part 2

**The Sheldon Cooper Effect Part 2**

* * *

"I was getting worried with how things have been going this week." Lenard said. "I don't know what the business with your father is..."

Penny knew what was coming next so she said, "It's fine. Don't worry about it."

She went back to her apartment. She would worry about it. How she was going to tell him the truth.

* * *

Sheldon was at her door the next morning, ready for their morning walk. They had been spending more time together. , though he often annoyed her, he wasn't being that way lately when it was just her and him.

"I was really concerned about you and Leonard. It has caused a disruption in my life. It's a standard paradigm that affects our relationship. Recently things have been strained things between us. And I still find your presence surprisingly tolerable. Normally I don't initiate in social interactions but it is vital to our friendship. As I was a shy kid I always kept people at arms length but with good reason."

Penny fully understood. She felt comfortable talking about these things with Sheldon, she'd otherwise be uncomfortable talking about to Leonard. But realizing how much it made her comfortable made her uncomfortable.

To avoid the subject, she started to jog.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"What?" She stopped.

"I didn't expect we'd be running."

"I wasn't running. I was jogging. I need the exercise. It's a good day for it. "

"I'm not wearing my running or jogging pants." It was such a Sheldon thing to say.

They walked instead.

"You know I ran with the track team once in college. I wasn't actually on the track team but I beat one of their best runners."

"Good for you Sheldon."

"Wait, was that sarcasm?"

"No, Sheldon. It wasn't."

"Thanks for inviting me on your morning walk, Penny. I certainty feel closer as friends."

"I do too."

He gently, yet awkwardly gave her a side hug. It then suddenly became not awkward.

"My mom predicted this would happen." Sheldon said. "But not in the same contexts." His back had been bothering him that morning so he had called his mother. He caught her up on what has been happening lately. When it was getting close to the time to meet Penny, He was never late. He was always kept up with structured meeting times. Mary Cooper teased him about taking it easy or Penny would have to put an arm around him and cuddle all the way home. This annoyed Sheldon to the point, and of course he didn't realize that she was only teasing, plus he was getting agitated as it was getting closer to 8 AM.

"Ok, now it's awkward." Penny took his arm off her and they started walking at a distance but not too far away.

* * *

Penny did not like to be touched. Hugging/touching meant getting close to that person. Sleeping with someone was different. She didn't need to form an emotional attachment to them. Like Raj had used to have to drink to talk to girls she used to have to drink to The first time she had kissed Leonard she had been drunk.

She didn't know at what point she didn't need to rely on alcohol but still she shied away from Leonard hugs

She didn't mind Sheldon giving her a hug, even if it was awkward. Perhaps she was ok with it because they had some things in common.

* * *

There were only a few people he'd let touch him, Penny and Amy. He didn't know why he didn't like to be touched or hugged but that since (he and Amy confirmed their relationship) changed. Sheldon Cooper was not a big fan of change. It caused a great disturbance in his usual pattern and brought distress to his life. Everyday was an inward struggle on it's own. Trying to ensure his set rituals where met by those who knew him, especially his friends. But when one of them disturbed it by not going alone with it, that also brought distress. It made him irritable, an inconsolable anger he brought out by saying things that instantly came to mind. He didn't care if it hurt someone's feelings.

He didn't always used to be like this. But he could recall his attempts of early aversion towards human contact.

Sheldon had been shy as a kid. He didn't talk till he was 4 years old. His mother took him to a doctor to test if he was crazy but they could find nothing wrong with him.

When he was in kindergarden, the teacher asked all of the kids to hold hands and he said, "No thanks, I'll just hold my own." That may have been the beginning of his aversion towards human contact. As a kid, he remembered grandparents, aunts, and uncles giving him big hugs. If he didn't blatantly push them away or wiggle free, he stood there stiff as board, until the torture was over.

They thought this was adorable. No one thought to seek professional help. They probably thought he'd out grow this. He eventually did but when his father died it came back, worse.

He remembered the nervous rides to the university,(it was the year he was going to graduate.) Most of the 'acquaintances' he made where girls and they were almost constantly hugging.

His mind would race. _Who was going to try to hug me today? What would I do? What would I say? I decided: I'd just go along with it, but I wouldn't hug back, I'd keep it quick, I'd never initiate, and I definitely wouldn't like it._

They started to notice his lack of interest. They made comments like, "You have to hug back" or "Come on, give me a real hug!"

He wanted to vomit. He tried harder for a while. He tried acting like a warmer, more loving person, but it just felt fake.

He let his discomfort build until one day I finally exploded, which is the case with most of the issues I've eventually had to face.

The acquaintance named, Laura picked the wrong person to hug that day. I pushed her away and yelled, "STOP HUGGING ME! What is the matter with you? Why do you always want to hug? Can't we just keep to ourselves?"

At this point, I should probably put fears to rest and mention that I was never inappropriately touched.

I actually wasn't touched much at all, which may be part of the problem. I come from a close-knit family; growing up they never missed a single soccer game and today they never miss a single funny email forward. We've just never been close in the physical sense.

We weren't a very affectionate family and the little bit we did have was the awkward side hugging.

I also don't remember my parents being outwardly loving with each other, besides once a year on their anniversary. They'd engage in this dramatic embrace where my dad would dip my mom and peck her lightly on the lips. I, of course, would turn away in disgust.

After my outburst, my acquaintances'' feelings were hurt. At first she gave me the cold shoulder, but I liked that too much.

So they started teasing me. If someone outside our inner circle went in for the hug, they'd warn, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Sheldon's not a hugger!" I was embarrassed but relieved.

Looking back, I think my hugging repugnance was not about how it felt. I was just scared that I was incompetent in this area.

I felt everyone was naturally warmer than me; that they knew something about life and relationships that I didn't. A few years after college, it became as clear as Alkaline water that I had a life-limiting fear of intimacy.

When I first meant Penny I tried to explain my position on hugging, but she wasn't hearing it. Then Amy came along.

They showed me more unconditional love than one person should ever have to endure. But little by little, I started to soften to their hugs. The transformation was so slow and subtle that I didn't even notice it happened. Until, one day when I brought myself to hug Penny that one Christmas. It dawned me just how so far I had come.

The change was way too fast he almost broke up with Amy once.

Yesterday was a different story. Penny's hug had taken him by surprise. He didn't know why she was hugging him but he tried the effort of returning it. He found it uncomfortable.

During his walk the next morning with Penny, he found that now, _I'm OK with hugs as long as it's not too sudden and intense. In fact I enjoy them...it reassures me that the other person finds me acceptable enough to wrap their arms around me. I don't know exactly why I can't cope with sudden hugs._

As I put my arm around Penny I felt this comforting warmth fill me. I guess I was capable of connection. I guess I wasn't inadequate after all.

None of us are. But, intimacy doesn't come naturally for a lot of people. Many of us have to work for it. Or better, work to break down the defenses that keep closeness at an arm's distance.

* * *

Leonard met up with Penny and Sheldon as they were coming back from their morning walk.

He noticed how much time Penny had been spending with Sheldon. It made part of him jealous. All of a sudden he recalled the memory of the conversation he had had with the guys three years ago, after Raj slept with Penny (though both of them clarified nothing happened.) Leonard had said that Penny would obviously choose Sheldon before Howard (if he wasn't engaged) the last person being Raj. A part of him didn't mind if she chose Sheldon. He wanted what was best for Penny. But the burning jealousy was still there.

"Sheldon do you have a minute. I need to talk with you." Leonard said.

Sheldon rushed into the apartment, announcing that he couldn't talk right now, there was a Battlestar Galactica marathon on, "the better, more condensed 1978 version." As he put it.

Penny put the key in her door, pausing she hesitantly glanced toward apartment 4B. She and Leonard briefly made eye contact. He gave Penny a simple wave before she entered her own apartment.

* * *

**AN: Is Leonard and Penny's relationship doomed or will they work past their obstacles? And a brief moment just to clarify there is no Shenny in this. They are friends. **


	6. The Isolation Fixiation

Leonard knocked on Penny's door. It had been three days since they spoke. She had never given his the silent treatment before. Sheldon had expected that it had been Leonard's own doing but Leonard did not think that was the case. But still he had to make sure.

To his surprise Penny answered the door. "Come on in."

After letting him in she went back to putting her clothes, that were strewn all over the apartment into a laundry basket.

"Penny, I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Sheldon."

"Yeah, so. We're friends. It's important to get along with my boyfriend's friends."

"What about Howard and Raj?"

"I meant closest friends."

"I know something's going on with you and I think I know what it's connected with. You've been avoiding me for three days.'

"I had some things I needed to sort out first." She said without looking him. She was looking at the tank top in her hand, puzzling over, as if wondering it was clean or not, then she tossed it in the basic. "Look we both know what you really came here about. You're jealous that I've been spending time with Sheldon rather than you. If you care to hear the reason why I've been hanging out with Sheldon a lot lately, it's because he understands in some way what I'm going through."

"Why didn't you come to me about it? I would've understood better than Sheldon."

"No. You wouldn't." No one else ever would.

She went through a tough time at community college. When she made friends there, they'd occasionally bring up family. At one point one of her friends asked her, "do you like your dad, your always talking about your mom"

Penny'd say (back then she was still 'Bridget'), "oh he died a while ago." It was awkward especially when they felt like they had to make her feel better. One of her friends had tried talking her into a 'students with parents who have passed' support group. (It had only been a year then.) She knew they were trying to help but at a same time it felt like an insult. Like she had been to reliant on my father and had to learn to finally cut the cord. _ For God's sake it had only been a year._

_I've always known that a large part of my self-identity was linked to my father. He has been such a huge influence in my life. Losing him has been like having the very foundations of my identity experience shaken by an earthquake. Who am I without my father? Am I the same person? Do I need to be the same person? Is it time to figure out who I am as a separate individual?_

She felt she needed to leave community college to continue her search to find out who she was now. This was what eventually led her to Pasadena, to meeting the guys. In the past 7 years she was finally learning who she was and Leonard was a huge part of that.

Telling Leonard the truth was what she had to do.

"Explain so I could at least try?" Leonard asked pleadingly.

It took a few moments to collect her thoughts so they wouldn't come out all at once. "My father died 10 years ago from complications during heart surgery. I was 16 and he was 51."

"I...already meant your father.'

She explained everything, (apart from her real name.) She really did have a brother and a sister. But she wasn't from Nebraska. She was from Michigan. "I wanted my life to sound less interesting so no one would ask. I didn't want them feeling sorry for me or bringing up old memories..." Back in those she had lived so careless.

_Life seemed to go on forever and I never thought about death. After the funeral, that all changed. I lost my parent, my hero, and my teacher. I thought a lot about death and dying. When my father died he took a piece of me with him but I also gained something. I learned the importance of telling people that you love them. Don't ever let them wonder how you feel. Of all the things I regret, missing the chance to say "I love you" to him. I knew that he knew it but it's not the same as hearing it. I felt like I hadn't said it enough._

_I realized that there is no promise of tomorrow. You are given such a small time, and you never know when your time will run out. Many people don't truly appreciate this. How can they if they've never had to think about death? So treasure your life, make it worthwhile. Spend your life doing things that make you happy because you may not have the chance later. My life has been fuller, more beautiful, and more fun because I take chances that come to me. If my dad hadn't died, would I always have played it safe? Something tells me maybe not._

_Because of my dad's death, I will never be the same. I traded my carelessness and "fitting in" for understanding and appreciation. I lost my dad but gained something in return. Would I give up everything I've learned if I could have my dad back? I don't have that option. The only option I have is to make those changes as valuable as possible. _

_Losing a parent is comparable to losing a grandparent or aunt or uncle. Every one handled loss differently. If you've been to a funeral and see that some people don't even cry at all, well it's not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn't matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn't matter what culture you come from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I've done this. Two weeks after his death I tried to be happy, tried to be strong for my mother, Kerri, and Rory. _

_It took me a long time to get the image of him lying in a casket out of my head. Perhaps one or two months after his death I started getting the more normal images of my father when I thought of him: my father lying on his bed in his bedroom telling us stories, my father sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching TV, my father telling one of his corny jokes. Although the weeping hadn't stopped, it became less frequent and less intense._

"Losing a parent isn't easy. When I heard my parents were getting a divorce..."

"It's not the same. You don't know how much it hurts. If I told people they would ask questions, "were you close to your dad?" "did you love your dad?", "what's your favorite memory of him" what's worse was when they'd say, "oh my god , i'm so sorry" Even the people I know back home, they ask me aren't you over your grief yet? It's been ten years. You have to let it go. God, I wish I could tell them that grief doesn't have an exprerasion date. It doesn't go away. The best you can do is surround yourself with people you know who love you."

"It's perfectly understandable. You want to avoid the questions because they bring back memories and the pain, which you still feel."

She put her arms around him. "I love you Leonard."

He returned her embrace. He was going to keep his promise. He wasn't going anywhere.

Shortly after that conversation, Leonard immediately called his own father. He just wanted to hear his voice and tell him how much he meant to him.


End file.
